Hey There, Lonely Girl
Penelope & Odysseus
Hey There, Lonely Girl . . . . .
In a recent full circle kind of cosmic plan, the universe cast its vast omniscience and brought me Penelope. After last year’s fires the little super powered tenacious creatures known as mice have organized a full tilt march into many a country dwelling. Primed and ready to re-populate at a human blink of the eye the only real solution is cats. And so . . . growing weary of peppermint sprays, red pepper flakes and goddess only knows what else, I surrendered. I took the first step in admitting I had a problem, and called Forgotten Felines, asked if they had any feral cats to live down below in the horse stable. Because as many of you know after the disappearance of Cashmere, who some would call my soul cat I’m just not ready to embark on that kind of bond anytime soon. But barn cats I believe, I Can Deal.
Here is where the universe cast a little hint of belief my way. I once had a cat aptly named Queen Penelope. She was named after the mythic figure and wife of the famous wanderer Odysseus. Odysseus was lost in the Trojan War and Queen Penelope alone with her young son turned down many a suitor waiting and waiting and waiting for Odysseus’s return. At the time my cat Queen Penelope showed up I was also alone with my young son in the midst of a shattering separation. My husband disappeared too, but, it was to a different kind of war; the war of addiction. Queen Penelope, was my mythic savior with her strong sense of worth and strength, she was my go-to inspiration. Calling out for my cat Queen Penelope was a subtle and I’d venture to say subconscious way to conjure up my own strength and hope, for in the end Odysseus did make his way back home to his beloved Queen Penelope.
Unlike Queen Penelope, I did not have the happily ever after story. Those were crazy hard times. Yes, because of all the proverbial challenges of an addict spouse and single parenting brings, but mostly because of the aloneness. And for everyone who has ever told me how they admire my endless strength, my fierce sense of courage, and my ability to be a self-existing star I never wanted to be that in anyone’s eyes. Honestly I don’t like be called strong, matter of fact it makes me cringe. I’d like for someone to recognize just how vulnerable all this strength has made me- which in itself is a separate kind of strength- not so much in the reward category, except for maybe in a country music song. (Thank you Miranda for telling me to put a bluebird in my heart.) To be honest strength is its own weakness.
I’m not yet quite certain what can replace human intimacy with someone you behold and I am one who adores her freedom, her independence and as a writer/ artist person I demand alone time, BUT not having an intimate someone you hold dear around to share your life can be wonderful and crushing in the same moment.
Forward now to some 14 years later, a divorce and long-term relationship over (I like to use the word completed) I live on a generous 17 acres. Blessed and grateful to be surrounded by such majesty, but may I say that sometimes in these blessed and grateful moments it can be too damn painful to be standing amongst this beauty on your own.
Forgotten Felines promptly returns my call saying they have a cat named Penelope ready for me. Hmmm – “of course, I reply, she is welcome to live in the barn.”
Stay true,
Maggygrace